It’s Lonely at the Top. Calmness Is What Carries Leaders Through
by David Kong
A few months before the pandemic, I experienced one of the most difficult periods of my career.
I had proposed a bold strategy that I believed in deeply. While I understood the risks involved, I also believed it was the right direction for the organization’s long term future. The proposal narrowly failed, but it was the aftermath that caught me completely off guard.
The criticism became intense and, at times, surprisingly personal. Political factions emerged, motives were questioned, and I suddenly found myself in unfamiliar territory. I felt isolated.
That period gave new meaning to the phrase, “It’s lonely at the top.”
The Board was not particularly sympathetic, and as the leader, I could not openly vent my frustrations to the broader team. Everyone was watching to see how I would respond, even while I was privately trying to process the situation myself. I suspect many leaders have experienced moments like this, even if few openly discuss them. One of the hardest parts of leadership is that during difficult periods, you often have nowhere safe to process your own emotions. You are expected to remain steady while uncertainty, criticism, and pressure swirl around you.
Looking back, what helped me through that period was not forcefulness or trying to prove that I was right.
It was calmness.
I learned that when situations become emotionally volatile, the most important thing a leader can provide is composure. The moment a leader loses control emotionally, the organization begins to lose confidence. People look to leaders not only for direction, but also for emotional steadiness. In difficult moments, they pay close attention to tone, body language, and reactions.
Calmness does not mean passivity. It means maintaining enough emotional control to think clearly, respond thoughtfully, and avoid making an already difficult situation worse.
I also learned the importance of having trusted sounding boards. During that period, a few close friends became invaluable advisors. My wife, in particular, was an extraordinary listener and source of perspective.
What I discovered was that they did not necessarily provide the answers. Most of the time, we already know the right path deep down. Trusted advisors simply help us slow down, think more clearly, and hear our own voice again when stress clouds our judgment.
The real turning point came when I stopped trying to defend the past.
For a while, I found myself replaying arguments and explaining why the strategy had made sense. Eventually, I realized that no amount of defending the past was going to move people forward. In fact, it only kept the wounds open.
Instead, I shifted my focus toward the future. I began meeting stakeholders on their own turf, listening carefully to their concerns, and focusing conversations on what we could accomplish together moving forward. That shift changed everything. Over time, credibility was rebuilt, relationships improved, and trust gradually returned.
The experience taught me that leadership during adversity is often less about brilliance and more about steadiness.
Anyone can lead when the wind is at their back. The real test is how leaders carry themselves when they are under pressure. It is your composure when emotions are running high. Your wisdom in knowing when to stop defending the past and start focusing people on the future. Your resilience in continuing to move forward despite criticism and uncertainty.
Execution will always matter in leadership. But long after strategies change, people remember how leaders handled difficult moments. They remember the steadiness, grace, and character leaders showed when circumstances became challenging.
That, more than any single strategy, is what defines leadership over the long run.